The Marrow's Bend Gazette

From the Publisher's Desk

Still Standing — Barely

The Marrow's Bend Gazette continues to defy the odds, standing tall on a meager $750 treasury. Yes, we lost $215 this edition — but who needs money when we have integrity? Our readers are loyal, our writers are brilliant, and Tuesday? Well, Tuesday is just another day that doesn’t understand the power of quality journalism. Stay tuned for more brilliance from the only paper that matters.

— Bracken Vane

Tiebreaker Avoidance Continues as Bowling League Final Remains Unresolved

By Marge Tuttle, regrettably

The bowling league final, which ended in a tie three weeks ago, remains unresolved as neither team has agreed to bowl the tiebreaker. Both teams have cited "logistical challenges" and "unforeseen circumstances" as reasons for their refusal to proceed. No official statement has been issued by either side. Local officials are reportedly considering mediation, though no action has been taken yet. The situation has sparked mild interest among residents, who are more concerned with the lack of resolution than the outcome of the match. Cyrus Fenn, a long-time league participant and self-proclaimed "bowling enthusiast," has expressed disappointment but refused to comment further. Meanwhile, the town’s bowling alley remains quiet, save for the occasional roll of a ball and the rustle of unopened bottles of soda.

Editor's note: A tale of two teams who can't decide whether to roll or not — and the editor who's tired of waiting for them to make up their minds.

Local Ducks Enforce Feeding Schedule – Mystery Deepens

By Cyrus Fenn, allegedly

Residents of Blackwood have long enjoyed the daily ritual of feeding ducks at the reservoir, but now there’s talk that the birds are taking matters into their own beaks. According to sources, the ducks have begun to “enforce” a strict feeding schedule, with some residents claiming they’ve been gently hissed at when arriving outside of designated hours. Marge Tuttle, who has long advocated for stricter wildlife management policies, refuses to comment on the matter—though she did once suggest that the ducks might be “stirring up trouble.” Town officials have yet to confirm whether this is a case of avian behavior or something more… unsettling. For now, residents are advised to keep their bread bags handy—and their eyes open.

Editor's note: A tale of ducks with schedules and residents with bread bags—may the river be still and the geese be silent.

A Bench of Note: Town Honors Mysterious Seating Arrangement

By Odette Vance

In a move that has left locals both intrigued and puzzled, the parks department has officially designated one weathered bench in Riverside Park as “historic,” encircling it with caution tape and a plaque that reads simply: “Site of Momentous Occurrence.” No records, no photographs, and no memories seem to recall any event of note occurring at this unassuming spot. Some speculate it was once the meeting place of long-forgotten lovers; others insist it was merely a favored perch for squirrels. Despite the lack of evidence, town officials have expressed confidence in its significance, citing “the weight of time” and “the power of collective memory.” As residents gather to ponder the bench’s legacy, one thing is clear: history, like horticulture, thrives on mystery.

Editor's note: A fine piece—just don’t let the squirrels get too comfortable with their newfound historical status.

Corrections & Amplifications

Contrary to Marge Tuttle's reporting, and Cyrus Fenn's, and frankly everyone's, the feud continues. This paper takes no side (it takes both sides).